Karaoke

My friend tells me all of the time that I have to stop being so hard. She says that I need to express my emotions more, that it’s ok to cry.  I retort that vulnerable is not my color. We were talking about a guy that I am currently mooning over. We’ll call him Aaron.  I like him but I’m not sure what to do with him.  Classic story; girl meets boy, they become friends, then they venture off into not so platonic territory. Not smart. I know. I thought I had on my big girl panties and could handle it. I. Can. Not. I tell him that if we continue, it will be difficult to keep any potential feelings at bay. If I enjoy hanging out and talking to you and we’ve added coitus to the mix, why wouldn't I think about pursuing something with you? I don't do well with not knowing exactly where I stand with people. The sad part is that I rarely admit these thoughts , even to myself. Instead I am content to carry on with my daily existence as if I am not losing an internal battle. I wish I could wash the memory of him away with my makeup at the end of the day. I wish I didn't sit and fantasize about how things could be in between bites of my lunch. I wish I didn't turn to him even in my slumber because his arms and warmth make everything better for now.